How I Got Here

If you were in Bridgeport, CT around 2007, you probably saw me stumbling outside of Clubhouse in the middle of the winter. Short skirt and no jacket, smoking a Parliament menthol light, having a deep conversation about life with the Bouncer. Or at the 24-hour McDonald’s on Main Street at 3AM, annoyed with whoever was working the drive-thru cuz they ran out of sweet and sour sauce. Or at the Sports Page dancing on top of the bar after a few shots of… actually, nevermind!

Good times but ya, I was a whole ass mess in college. It was the wildest four years of my life. Fam, I got written up 15 times in three semesters by RA’s. It may have even been 16, whatev.

Then during my sophomore year, I got kicked off campus personally by the Dean cuz I was wildin’. That was my second wake-up call.

The first was my single-person car accident in 2006 where my car flipped over twice and landed upside-down. I never believed when people said their “life flashed before their eyes” but I definitely saw my shit flash that night. Pretty sure I had an angel that day.

I spent my last two years of school working mad hard to repair my struggling GPA, and maintaining my very active social life. End of the day though, I didn’t wanna let myself down so I chose to tighten up. I made the Dean’s List three times in a row since that in-person meeting with the Dean. And in my last semester I missed it by .1; was so pissed! I stopped drinking so much too, well; let’s just say I learned how to balance a little better.

College ended for me in 2009 and I had never been more confident and confused before. About my career direction, what I wanted and where the fuck my life was going. For starters, I wasn’t trynna work the same job for 40 years, wasting away in some dusty ass cubicle. And second, I picked up a lot of bad habits in college and didn’t have many healthy ways of dealing with life outside of partying, sex, eating, sleeping and more partying. It wasn’t until after graduation that I started to actually feel the weight of the generational energy I was up against. I think my therapy sessions from 2004-05 were starting to kick in. Plus, moving back home at 21 years-old forces you to begrudgingly stare your childhood in the face.

I was born in New Haven, CT and lived there for almost seven years before moving to Hamden (the next town over). My parents split when I was around three years old, but my dad lived damn near around the corner once we moved to Hamden. Aside from that, I grew up in the “because I said so“, “stay in a child’s place”, “stay outta grown folks conversation”, “sit yo Black ass down” era. And none of that resonated with me. So I was in trouble a lot… at home, at school. I was called disruptive and challenging and blah, blah, blah.

The average kid woulda folded and conformed. I was one nonconforming chick though, even in kindergarten.

While most adults wanted me to sit down and shut up, I was fortunate enough to grow up watching Oprah on TV and listening to Angie Martinez on the radio. Two well-respected and talented adults who, without knowing, encouraged me to stand up and keep talking. Their energy was my blueprint.

Although I was way too young to understand what the hell Oprah was talking about, watching her inspired me to dream big, live big and help big! And to never give up on an idea just because people can’t see the vision, even if you love them. She gracefully balanced her larger than life, but down to earth, personality - which made me feel seen cuz I had the same energy. Watching Oprah be true to the nuances of her personality & consistently turn a thought into a thing, gave me the courage to believe in my ability to do the same.

On the other hand, I understood what Angie was saying very well. I even remember hearing her on the radio for the first time; I was four years old and soon headed to kindergarten. She talked that edgy, NY, Hip Hop shit that I loved. Angie taught me the technicalities of communication, how to hold my own in complex conversations, how to balance being honest & likeable and how to gracefully avoid answering questions people have no business asking. She was honest, sarcastic, had integrity and led with her perspective, instead of with sex appeal; which gave me the courage to know I could do the same.

Angie and Oprah gave me a gift that no one can ever take from me. And that is the courage to be bold, be honest and live life on my own terms. It’s as if their energies combined and created a shield around my self-worth and self-esteem since I was a little girl. Idk man, I just love them! 1) For being themselves and 2) for holding my hand through all the darkness that women in our culture face when we decide to do shit our own way. I feel like I owe them a few drinks or something… see, there I go with the drinking again!

Despite always getting in trouble for speaking up, I kept most of my deepest thoughts to myself; and only shared some with my super close friends when it felt safe enough. The way I expressed myself mostly growing up was through sports. Better than all the trophies, awards and medals, was the self-discipline, self-confidence, mental stamina and determination that I gained along the way. It was always mind over matter for me.

Fast forward to 2010 when I read Deepak Chopra’s A Book of Secrets. Man, that book set my soul on fire even more. Cuz I had so much to release. There were so many unexplored parts of myself that I needed to explore. And I had so much to share! Which led to me writing poetry in 2012 after grad school. Which led to me to writing a book. Which led me to using social media to start a larger conversation. In that, I made a promise to myself to heal out loud cuz I wanted other people to chime in and participate.

Today I’m an author of three books, although I don’t talk about them much anymore. Cuz using social media sparked a cultural and social responsibility within me, which has evolved me from selling books to holding more hands through the darkness; like Angie and Oprah did with me. I’m naturally laid-back and private, so I’ve had to overcome a lot of discomfort with opening up to strangers on social media. But I know you can’t hashtag self-love people to death; they gotta see and feel that shit. And so, I put my personality and strong perspective on display, not for people to agree or disagree; but for people to see and hear that it’s okay for them to live out their truth. Cuz what I know from being a kid, is that one person revealing who they really are is what gives so many other people permission to do the same.

Preciate ya stopping by!

xo B